Book Group 

She’s not the man I married: My life with a transgender husband by Helen Boyd

 

This is a tough read. It is the honest narrative of a woman who is in love with a man falling in love with the man as he transitions to woman. It explores the notion of gender both from the view of the transitioning male and from the view of the wife; from the perspective of his wife. Helen Boyd explores her own gender development from tomboy child to gender fluid adult.This is a love story. It is not my love story and at times I found it deeply uncomfortable as I knew I was not capable of this re-identification. However, once I accepted I was not reading a ‘how to manual’ it gave me a confidence in my assertion of my own gender. It helped me understand that surrendering gender was not a pre-requisite of living with the trans-person. And that it was ok to feel like continuing to live in my own skin, in my own specific gender. 

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Unseen-Unheard; Straight spouses. From trauma to transformation

 

There is little in this book that is specific to the wife of a transperson. It is a collection of stories shared on the straight spouse network with themes to link them together.  There are common threads; themes of loss , themes of a relationship not being what it was , themes of rebuilding.

The most meaningful section of this book for me was in the intro.

‘For straight spouses success and failure are not determined by whether or not we stay married. Divorce does not qualify as failure neither does staying together indicate success. Our measure of success encompasses more than the marriage.......we realise success as we experience inner peace and contentment, which we measure by our self awareness, strength, understanding and growth......It’s really about perseverence...The choices we make along the way and the options connected with them may not be optimal in the long run but they’re the best we have working for us right this minute.' 

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