The Telling

So how do you tell people your husband is a transvestite? How do you tell yourself?

The first person I told was my friend at work. I arrived into work in a total daze. I asked her to meet me for a coffee. I did that thing when you say ‘I have something to tell you and it’s going to be really hard to say it’. Of course this opener allows them to visualise your resignation, followed by your terminal illness, before you actually get the words out. Then they are relieved that you are neither resigning or dying. And then the total incredulity, the total incredulity, the total incredulity. This person I am talking about is a large, hairy, well built rugby player. What The Fuck .

My sister was the other extreme. She was enraged. Angry with my husband, angry immediately. ‘Well he’ll just have to stop that nonsense now’. In response I was incredulous with her. 'But you're gay you must have some empathy, don't you know any other Transvestites??' Oh the innocence!!!

Isn’t it funny how we think we are so liberal? There I was with my hidden prejudices that the entire LGBTQ population were 1 big huggy family. Ridiculous of course. And only now do I get it. Of course she was shocked and defensive. Because quite simply she is bigger than her sexuality, bigger than her identification with any minority. She is my big sister and the bigger picture is that she just bloody loves ME.

Is it easier each time I say it? I don’t think so.

I thought I had told the last person I needed to tell Valentines Day 2017. My poor friend. I went to support her through her traumatic separation from her husband. ‘You’re so good to come to me in my crisis, especially on bloody Valentines night’. ‘Valentines schmalentines" I said " I’ve been in crisis for 2 years."

That was probably the first time I had acknowledged that I was, in fact, in a sustained crisis.

At this stage I have told a number of people, mostly friends and 1 member of my family. Mostly sober but twice when drunk (bad idea). I have probably included too many people in this comfort blanket I am weaving myself but that reflects moments of vulnerability when I thought I might loose my mind. I have told people in different contexts for different reasons. I have told people who I know love me unconditionally. I have told some people who I know love him unconditionally. I haven’t told many people, but I have already told 1 person too many. And there are days when the notion that anyone might use this as gossip haunts me. Because really, it’s not my secret to tell. My husband has still not told anyone.

So judge me, I needed to talk. Once I have blown my friends minds’ with the news, because honestly this is not an image that anyone would put with my husband, their natural instinct is to protect me. But it’s too late for that. I know they need me to process this as me, in isolation, but I feel this is irrelevant, that I am the core of my family and I need to process this as a part of the family unit. My husband has told no-one.However, he knows who I have told. They expect him to start a conversation with them when they see him. He doesn’t. And so we just roll on from day to day.

Is this how it becomes normal?

And then an amazing thing happened. I met a friend for dinner 1 night. We had a lovely night. And just as we were finishing dinner he told me he had something to tell me, and that it was going to be really hard to say it.

His husband is transgender. And there it was, someone on my train. Is this how it becomes normal?

So be careful who you bring into your new world. It is for the free thinkers and liberated souls.It is for the active listeners and hard shoulders. It is for those who live in a rainbow world of many shades and colours. It is for people who will love you unconditionally no matter which train track you are on. People who hear YOU and see YOU, not some idealised notion of who you might be. And, know that hearing this news is also an earthquake for them, and the aftershock will need to be guarded against to avoid the ripple effect of breaking news. Who will they tell|? And how will that person hear it? Tread carefully as it is not just your secret to tell.