Creating a community

Being part of a community is important to me. I seek this and create it wherever I am. It never looks like one thing or can be narrowed to a specific type of person. It will merely comprise the people who I can be honest with, who I can be every version of myself with, who expand my mind, who make me think, who make me laugh.

In over 6 years now of this journey we have not forged a stable community of like minded Trans souls, but it is emerging for me from work I have done to create a group for Trans spouses and partners. When I wonder why I am taking this on I know that one of the most lonely parts of this journey is the bleakness that can come from the Trans view of the world. I have a vision of a better world where education trumps discrimination. However I have found that Trans people, themselves, struggle to buy into this. From my privileged cis-gendered hetero-normative white balcony I see life changing at a phenomenal pace. I want things to change positively, I want conversations to become more meaningful, but how can they when there are so few people talking?

I feel that the Trans conversation can still lack depth as it is shrouded in fear and defensiveness. Recently we had an entire month of low mood in our house because of the social media storm caused by JK Rowling. I had been entirely unaware as I avoid the majority of social media. My partner, on the other hand, is constantly glued. When I bitched about this in my Trans partners support group everyone admitted to the same thing. The Trans community need to teach the world how it looks through their eyes, but they can’t because they are scared. They can’t as they feel society disables them by withholding their rights, their treatments, their equality. But as long as they are not talking society will not understand how to secure these things. One of the group said we must be sympathetic as the Trans person needs to devour all opinions and outpourings on social media so they know what to fear. My opinion? This is a horrendous basis on which to live a life.

The other irony is that Trans people hide away for fear of not ‘passing’ This concept is so profound. The truth is that Trans and cis-gendered people judge someones’ ability to pass as male or female or gender fluid. Therefore the trans person fears leaving the house for fear of that judgement. Here’s a typical conversation in our house:

I ask, are you aware of other Trans people when you are in town? Yes, they say, I saw someone the other day and I wanted to compliment her on how she looked, but then I thought I can’t as she’ll be upset that she wasn’t convincing. Fucking hell, I want to scream

So the conversation remains limited and many people remain in hiding. And we are backed into a 1950s corner.

So I am making a difference, and for better or worse I am talking. I now have an on-line community of people who have something in common with me. Is it that we live with and/or are married to Trans people? Perhaps. Actually, the biggest commonality is that we are all incredible enablers. I listened to our last meeting and I could not believe how much each individual was doing to enable their partner. The struggles associated with taking on political and health systems and fighting for access to treatments defined each conversation. And you, I asked, what support do you get? Who enables you?

Somehow that wasn’t the most important thing for anyone.

It was a terrifying mirror.