Whose identity? Yours or mine

I read an article, at the beginning of this journey, which gave voice to one of my many fears. ‘Do they love me or do they want to be me’. It sounds ridiculous and completely conceited, but this question needs to be addressed as I’m pretty sure it’s in the minds of most Trans partners. It certainly has been a recurring theme for me

My style has always been funky, with a preference for skinny jeans, heels and funky tops. When my partner first came out, and probably for the first year, I resented the emerging wardrobe as bags were unpacked and cupboards were filled with things that looked relatively similar to my own. I resented the days I woke up and put on their pants as they were accidently in my drawer. We are very different sizes so the mistake was easy to spot. ‘Can’t you see how funny that is? ‘ they asked from our bed. I wanted to kill them. I told them to stop buying 2 for 1 sets.

5 years on, I have seen the wardrobe emerge in different outfits on different nights, or observing outfits taken off after a ‘day at the office’ working from home. It still evolves and it is a fairly expensive endeavour. In the first 3 years there was no confidence to their form. They wanted continuous feedback and I found it so hard to be that person. But they would not explore other avenues. Our home was and is the comfort zone.

I explained to them 2 years in, that if they wanted me to become more involved in giving feedback on their feminine looks, that they would be further distancing me from the masculine self I had fallen in love with. Although, at the time, they said they didn’t want to compromise our physical relationship, they continued to look to me for validation and, therefore, did nothing to stop me physically distancing myself.

I finally gave in about 3 years in and asked them to show me their entire wardrobe. I gulped my wine while they tried on various outfits. We threw away some of the little Britain numbers,and were left with a sizeable wardrobe. I can’t say what I felt during the couple of hours we were doing this. I only know that at the end of it I was completely drained and snuggled into my bed. My husband ‘buzzing’ stayed up for a few hours. This was a stark realization of what it means to share this journey, and what you must expect and accept.

1)The price of identity may be at the cost of your physical relationship and it's hard to argue with this

2)It is so hard to live and experience where 2 people have the polar opposite emotion to an event, and no shared emotion.