What is trans anyway?

I have spent many hours thinking about the definitions associated with the world that I now live in. I am a linguist. I spend my working hours rehabilitating language and emersing myself in the constructs that language provides us with. Let me say that this is not a negative thing. Having definitions is the core of language. Everything has a meaning and every meaning is linked to a definition; be it something defined by a word or by a symbol. I hear people railing against definitions, however even in their efforts to open new boundaries they create a new definition. Even the God like Prince gave in and became a symbol; it was still a verbal label that represented the beauty of him. Parents who refuse to give their children a name at birth are giving their child the gift of namelessness. A definition. Parents who do not want to differentiate their childs’ gender at birth are merely creating a new definition ‘genderless’ ‘gender U’ ‘Undefined’ ‘Unassigned’. Whatever they decide it is still a definition. In the early days my husband tried to get me on board the gender non-binary train by watching you-tube clips of a beautiful couple in Canada who were arguing whole-heartedly for gender to become so fluid in a relationship that the transition would be negligible. I didn’t believe the cis-gendered wife’s conviction. The transitioned husband now wife annoyed me in his constant need to remind his wife of her lesbian kiss in school which, to his MTF self, vindicated the fact that he only came out to her after the birth of their first child. Bullshit.

Having travelled this far I feel that definitions should be understood, because the non-binary person you live with struggles to understand your binary world and will throw it under the bus if it means it will save your relationship. In my own journey I often get confused with the terminology so here goes. The results of my trawl of all that is trans; a mini glossary if you like:

Transvestite /tranzˈvɛstʌɪt,trɑːnzˈvɛstʌɪt,transˈvɛstʌɪt,trɑːnsˈvɛstʌɪt/

Noun: a person, typically a man, who derives pleasure from dressing in clothes primarily associated with the opposite sex.

Transgender /tranzˈdʒɛndə,transˈdʒɛndə/

Adjective: transgender; transgendered: denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.

Gender fluid ˌ/dʒɛndəˈfluːɪd/

Adjective: gender-fluid; denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender.

Gender binary /dʒɛndəˈ'baɪnərɪ/

Noun: The gender binary

Adjective: gender binarism (sometimes shortened to just binarism),

is the classification of sex and gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine. Gender binary is one general type of a gender system.

Gender non-binary/Genderqueer

Genderqueer, also termed non-binary, is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are outside the gender binary and cisnormativity. Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression

Transsexual /tranzˈsɛkʃʊəl,transˈsɛkʃʊəl/

Noun: transsexual: a person who emotionally and psychologically feels that they belong to the opposite sex.

1. a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual MTF

2. a pre-operative female-to-male transsexual FTM

3. a person who has undergone treatment in order to acquire the physical characteristics of the opposite sex.

Adjective: transsexual; relating to a transsexual person.

Cisgender /sɪsˈdʒɛndə/

Adjective: cis-gender; cis-gendered

Denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex.

Gender expansive

Adjective: An umbrella term used for individuals that broaden their own culture’s commonly held definitions of gender, including expectations for its expression, identities, roles, and/or other perceived gender norms. Gender-expansive individuals include those with transgender and non-binary identities, as well as those whose gender in some way is seen to be stretching society’s notions of gender.

Intersex

A group of conditions sometimes referred to as disorders of sexual development (DSDs) in which there is a discrepancy between the appearance of the external genitalia and the type of internal (testes and ovaries) genitalia. The condition was formerly termed hermaphroditism or pseudohermaphroditism.

Transfamily (my definition)

A family in which a Trans person can live safely with love and support.

Who are we?

So here is my definition.

4 years ago I was a cis-gendered binary woman who thought she was married to a cis-gendered binary man

I then discovered something that changed the definition of us. I continued to be a cis-gendered binary woman who was processing the fact that she was married to a cis-gendered transvestite.

As I have learned more about the person I live with and the world he lives in, we are further re-defined. I am now I am a cis-gendered binary woman and the celibate partner of a transgender person.

Our world may be a continuous re-definition. This is my definition as we are today. I'm sure it differs from my husbands definition but he seems afraid of definitions. I think he finds it too much responsibility to bear.

How have I stayed on this journey? Because I have a little tool box of super powers defined as the following

Compassion kəmˈpaʃ(ə)n/

Noun : sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Adjective: compassionate: feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.

Empathyˈɛmpəθi/

Noun: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Liberalˈlɪb(ə)r(ə)l/

Adjective:

1. willing to respect or accept behaviour or opinions different from one's own; open to new ideas

2. (of education) concerned with broadening a person's general knowledge and experience, rather than with technical or professional training.

Patienceˈpeɪʃ(ə)ns/

Noun: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

Love /lʌv/

Noun: an intense feeling of deep affection

Sense of humour

Noun:a personality that gives someone the ability to say funny things and see the funny side of things.

I have good days and bad. I have many shades of darkness and light. I am deeply patient but I do frequently become annoyed and anxious. But ultimately I believe in the freedom of the human person. I believe my husband has the right to understand who he is. I believe it is my right to support him on this journey. And I have a very large and deep sense of humour. That is my armour.