Sources of Support:Part 1

Support groups

I joined a support group in the first year of my husband coming out. It was a support group labelled ‘for the partners of LGBTQ people’. It was in it’s infancy and was offered to me by the LGBTQ lead as the only support group that was available. He wasn’t sure if it was a right fit but it seemed a good idea to get everyone together to share stories. The group formed just after the Irish referendum, a great moment for civil liberties in Ireland. Behind closed doors the double edged sword started to wield it’s power through Irish households.The group started small and increased in size minimally over the weeks I attended. The people who arrived told the same story over and over. Stories of being in love and living lives which ended abruptly with their partners suddenly coming out to them to confess a secret repressed sexuality they couldn't live with any more. These wives and husbands, who had loved their partners, felt that they were now left alone. They were hurt, confused and angry at the secret they never knew, angry that their heterosexuality had not been enough. They had been left for other people and other lives. They had been left.

I was 1 of 2 people who were married to a Trans person. At the time, of course, my conversation was focused on what my husband was relating to me; that he was ‘simply a transvestite who liked to dress in woman’s clothing from time to time’. The other person was at the end of a long process of support for her transitioning spouse which was culminating in seperation. She was strong and peaceful but I felt she was completely exhausted. She reflected that the support group may have been something she could have done with at the start of her journey rather than at the end. Perhaps.

I felt like an exotic bird. My story was different and incomplete. It had little to define it and was hard to understand.I generally went and listened to the stories of heart break and anger. I provided much needed humour. I suggested that their partners had not done the leaving out of spite for them, that they had loved them enough to be with them........once……That seemed to help them and me. We were loved. But I was different. I was not leaving. I did not feel like I had been left. And yet I totally identified with feelings of confusion and loneliness. The others couldn’t understand me. Why don’t you leave?

So I left the group with nothing at the time to replace it. I reached out to support groups in the UK. The replies to my queries of support were always met with specific questions “ what is it you need specifically? “ ‘I am sorry you are struggling. Myself and my husband were married for 15/20/30 years when he came out and now we are living together openly and happily’. I felt bereft when I had nothing specific to ask, no success story yet to share, and no common community to commune with face to face. So I created my own very small support group of close trusted friends.

Now 4.5 years on we stand on a precipice. 4 years ago there was no group for my partner and little for me. Time has moved on. My partner identifies as Trans. We now have a group of Trans people who meet together in the nearest city. I reached out to them to find out dates and times and was met with nothing but unconditional warmth and joy. I envy that space that I send my partner to. It doesn’t exist for me. It exists for him. I am jealous. And he is terrified.