Who am I?

In Nov 2014, at the beginning of the journey, I had a period of about a month when I drank heavily, well for me that is. I couldn’t face any night without something to take the edge off. I also crashed the car more than once. Nothing serious but enough for me to know I wasn’t coping.

Over the course of 5 years I have been writing my thoughts and ideas. I have learned recently that this is a key concept in developing resilience. I didn’t know that that was what I was doing but it makes sense. Life can be very confusing at the best of times and having the opportunity to write down my experiences has often helped me to gain perspective. It has also given me confidence in the natural skills I possess to allow me to survive and thrive on my current journey.

Who am I and how have I coped with this seismic shift in my life?

In the search for my identity I started to focus on how I was different from my husband. This was not a helpful exercise. In doing it you start with the things that make you different and sometimes this is a dark place. It needs to be considered but maybe not dwelled on in the search for identity.

Christmas 2017, 2 years in, and I had an epiphany while watching Moanna; a kids movie at Christmas. It came after a particularly bad period of months where my work and home life had left me feeling utterly drained. The central character was mother earth, who had lain down to rest as a beautiful green island. Legend had it that Mowri stole her heart to give to the humans. She then turned into an angry fire god throwing rocks and fire at anyone who approached. A small child recognised that the fire goddess and the earth goddess were the same and returned her heart to her, restoring her to peace. I wept at this and identified with it. To the outside world they could not see that fire and those rocks but I knew they were within me and I realised I needed to channel my inner peace and to work harder on affirming what my heart is.

After 5 years I know my heart is the people I surround myself with. My heart is my children, my family and my friends. It is my work and my community. It is every waking moment I have to celebrate the life I have. The faith and love of the people I surround myself with affirms all that is good in me. I have learned more about my true identity and motivations, separate from my identity as wife and lover, so that I knew what I had if I had to walk away.

So who am I? I am a middle child of a crazy mad family, my siblings spanning a decade. I wear this fact as a source of pride. I have woven it into my fabric. I am a facilitator, I enable, I see things in 360 with a panoramic lens. I am open, I am honest and I am brave. And I am psychopathically positive....... Often, normally.......but sometimes I just get angry and rage against the machine.

I am the partner of a Trans person and the mother of 2 children of a Trans person. This is more important than no longer being a wife.