Sources of Support Part 4: Therapy

Sources of Support: Part 3: Therapy

In 2014 when we started this journey I looked for recommended Therapists who could provide us with support. As my partner did not and has still not come out publicly we could not do this via our GP. So we lloked for private Therapists. Not surprisingly the list was was limited. There was only 1 recommended Therapist, 45 minutes away, who was the only person with a proven track record of working with the TG population.

One friend was incredulous that there was such a limited service. ‘There are lots of really good psychosexual counsellors’ she said. Sigh........ I was frustrated by the assumptions loaded in her supportive response, but had to accept that most people would initially interpret the word Trans as an expression of sexuality not gender identity .

So I contacted the 1 Therapist to talk through the options. She could offer to be our couples counsellor, or she could support 1 of us individually, but not both of us. Therapeutic models are integral to my work and I had many tools at my disposal through years of working that I felt gave me some armour. I felt I had the capacity and support to work through the initial stages of my grief. Equally I felt I could not enter into counselling with my partner until they had explored their emotions beyond ‘it’s just something I like to do’. So we agreed that they would give it go. At least that’s what I thought.

The reality is though that I sent my partner to her. I decided on and prioritised the need for their counselling. I thought it would help me if they could give better expression to their identity. I had no idea of a timeframe but I thought the counselling would help them to become more connected to the self that had hidden for so long, and that that would help me understand how to relate better. The reality was that the expression of their true selves was so hidden from sight the change the engagement with the counselling process was and continues to be painstakingly slow.

I did go to 1 counselling session myself in the very early days. It ended with promises of returning, but I never did. It took me 3 years to process the question the first counsellor asked:

‘what is the worst thing that could happen right now?’

‘That our marriage may be over’

‘You can argue that you were never married. That he never married you as he truly was and that you, therefore, never chose to marry him’.

'Holy shit'

Our daughter became sick shortly after this which consumed me for several months so I didn’t get a chance to go back. No harm in retrospect. I needed time with this thought.

In the latter part of 2018 I asked to join a few of my partners sessions. I discovered that they found it hard to be honest. They openly denied things I knew to be true. That, of course, is my perspective. They didn't agree, which was totally true. They were being as honest as they could. This helped me to realise that our levels of awareness and honesty are in very different places. So I stayed for a few sessions and walked away from that when the counsellor started asking us to process the idea of sexuality as a couple. On the upside with me there I saw them become less afraid of being honest, but I also knew they were still too far from their identity to be able to honestly answer questions on sexuality.

I was done facilitating.

At the beginning of 2019 I made a resolution to start focusing on myself, after a bad argument. I found a great Therapist and started with my own counselling sessions. It has been really helpful to help me see myself. I feel strong. I have a stronger sense of my own identity than at any stage in my life.

So Therapy works, but differently for each of us. My partner was going infrequently until they saw me going weekly.

‘Why do you go so much’ they ask

‘Because this is what most therapy looks like, and because it will help me to keep the conversations live and moving.’

‘Oh’

I realise now that the counselling cannot just be about me as the other part of a trans partnership but also about me as me. If you are reading this, because you are in shoes that look like mine, people may tell you this, and you may feel like you are not ready. If you’re not ready accept this as todays’ truth. You will be ready. And it will help.